Thinking about grace has been occupying my thoughts a lot lately. In the 17 years I've been a Christian and have been regularly attending church, grace has not been something that I've been taught or had explained to me. But since we began attending a Reformed Presbyterian PCA church about 5 years ago I've had my eyes opened to the wondrous grace, the "Amazing Grace", that God pours out on us. Recently, this has kindled in me a self-examination of the grace I extend, or more correctly, don't extend to others. A friend and I have discussed this briefly and found that we both come up short in the grace we impart to our children, especially in the role of being home schooling mothers.
In an email I wrote to her, I shared my thoughts on this: "I have just recently been considering my own sinfulness and God’s grace extended to me. Pastor Walt mentioned once again yesterday that a gift is no longer a gift once we try to pay for it. Here I am, always trying to “make up” for my ugliness toward [my son and husband]; not necessarily make it up to them, but to God. I really meditated on this just this morning and was reminded that there’s no making up for it. My absolutely best efforts at covering my own sins are vain. Our best works are as filthy rags (Isa 64:6). And even if I were able to do something to earn that forgiveness and grace, it would no longer be grace (Rom. 11:6) and I would be making myself equal to God in my ability to cover my own sins. On the heels of this thought was the recognition of how much I expect my kids/husband to make it up to me when they’ve wronged me. I want not only contrition and apologies, but renewed behavior and better efforts. When I don’t see this, I continue in my anger or displeasure. What is this? Nothing other than conditional, very conditional, love. And once again I was convicted of my depravity. Thank God He is not like me. His love for me does not expect sinlessness by my own efforts, or any kind of recompense for my error. But I have to admit, even this very thought of how sinful I am in expecting my family to “fix” themselves before I love them made me feel like I have to do something to make up for this. Here I go again in my cycle of thinking God has the same pathetic expectations of me that I have of others. Oh, how I wish I could break this faulty way of thinking. It’s GRACE and nothing but grace that holds me in God’s hands. Nothing I can do will change that. Oh how he loves me! Unconditionally, nonetheless! Oh, how I want to be able to extend that same grace to my kids and Jay."
I share this today, because I know some of the folks reading this are people who have know my "gracelessness". Romans 7 reminds us, through Paul's own testimony, that we who follow Christ desire to do what is right, but we war against the sin that is dwelling in us. What a struggle this is! I hate what it is in me that makes me hurt others, or maybe less obvious, what makes me think less of others than of myself.
I'm a work in progess, and thankfully I'm in the hands of a Master Craftsman. I pray that all of us who place our faith in Jesus will come to know our own helplessness in overcoming sin, and the perfect provision of God to pay our penalty. In no way can I ever repay God, or work off my debt. Thank God for grace.
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